Dealing with Dark Triad Disposition
What Is Dark Triad?
Researchers Delroy Paulhus and Kevin Williams coined the term Dark Triad (DT) in 2002. It refers to a trio of negative personality traits: Narcissism (egoism and self-centredness), Machiavellianism (cunning and manipulative), and Psychopathy (lack of empathy and remorse). These traits share some common malicious features. DT captures cunning, exploitative and manipulative personality traits not represented by the Big Five, which is the most reliable and widely used personality model.
Openness to experience (inventive and curious vs. consistent and cautious).
Conscientiousness (efficient and organised vs. extravagant and careless).
Extraversion (outgoing and energetic vs. solitary and reserved).
Agreeableness (friendly and compassionate vs. critical and judgmental).
Neuroticism (sensitive and nervous vs. resilient and confident).
The Dark Triads (Machiavellianism, Narcissism, and Psychopathy) are non-pathological (non-diagnosable or subclinical) personalities or dispositions that often coincide. People with DT are low in conscientiousness (being responsible, careful and diligent) and share disagreeableness (unpleasant, offensive, unlikable, bad-tempered, uncooperative and offensive) and neuroticism (emotional instability, irritability, anxiety, self-doubt, depression and other negative feelings).
Moreover, people with DT personalities often behave coldly and manipulatively, demonstrating grandiosity, entitlement, dominance and superiority. They are impulsive thrill-seekers with low empathy, high self-doubt and recurrent anxiety. They are willing to do or say anything to get their way. They see nothing wrong with lying and may engage in dangerous behaviours, even committing crimes without regard for how their actions affect others.
People with DT personality traits are excellent at hiding their true nature, especially at first. They often appear charming and likeable, which might be due to their confidence, which is a desirable quality. They are more likely to dress nicely, be physically attractive, wear eye-catching makeup, or dress provocatively.
Recognising people with DT Personality
It’s difficult to recognise people with DT personalities (without a formal evaluation) and avoid falling victim to their deceitful charm. However, someone who repeatedly lies, demonstrates a lack of empathy or bullies others to achieve their own goals may have DT traits. If you are careful, you may notice recognisable patterns that could alert you to their personality. So you can take corrective action as soon as possible.
These people have a grandiose sense of self, limited capacity for empathy, and a need for excessive admiration. They are the most destructive types of people, and their suppressing and selfish behaviours have many different layers. Nonetheless, they may come across as caring, charismatic and charming.
They try to make you believe you're to blame. It's always your fault, and nothing you do is ever right. They discourage and dishearten you. They suppress your achievements, smother your impact and stifle your work. They make you feel dejected, hopeless, guilty, upset, emotionally drained and confused. You may even feel like you're entirely useless and incompetent.
If you've been a victim of people with DT traits, you may feel that something is wrong with you and that if you were more careful, intelligent, bright, and competent or just did the right things, the situation would be better. You end up feeling like it's all your fault, which can cause guilt, depression, self-loathing or other self-destructive feelings. They don't see anything wrong with their conduct and behaviour. The fact that you, the victim, are so upset or feel terrible is simply proof that you're wrong and they are right.
They choose their victims carefully and are very specific about what they want to achieve. They often don't respect other people's boundaries. For example, they walk in without knocking, take or borrow your stuff without asking and take credit for your work. Defending yourself will only worsen the situation. You'll be attacked even more viciously. If you point out how they did something wrong or that they are to blame, then an explosion of anger will most likely occur. Then, the tables will be quickly turned on you. They explain that everything is entirely your fault. They are innocent, and you're the evil one.
You find that they expect you to do everything exactly as they wish. Nothing you do is ever right. They constantly criticise you and belittle you. Micromanaging is what they love doing, and they do it well. A clue that you're dealing with this type of person is that they tend to show different sides to different people at different times. They could be too hot or too cold in their relationships at a given moment. At some point, everything is fine, but by the next (out of the blue), they are intensely in rage. This is one of the reasons they can cause such mental distress. Other people don't understand what it's like because they can't always see what's happening. Some could highly admire them as they never see their dark side.
On the other hand, they are very sensitive to perceived criticism from others and may verbally attack or say they have been deeply hurt. Their philosophy tends to be “attack others before they attack you”, which means that if they’ve made a mistake, they tend to blame and attack others before they can be blamed. A big clue that you may be dealing with a person with a DT personality is how they make you feel. If you feel distressed, anxious, guilty and incompetent after dealing with them, then this is a good sign you may be dealing with a narcissist.
Manipulative Methods Used by People with DT
Gaslighting:
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and abuse where the abuser plants self-doubt and confusion in their victims, coercing them into questioning their reality. The expression “gaslighting” is derived from the title of the film Gaslight, which became popular in the 2010s. While gaslighting can happen in various abusive circumstances, it occurs mainly in close relationships.
This technique is used when an abusive bully (suppressor) is confronted about a wrongdoing. They instantly become defensive and deny the incident. They may say, “It wasn’t that bad; you are exaggerating; you don’t understand these things.” Or “It didn’t happen like that; you’re confused.” At first, the victim may argue and stand their ground. However, repeatedly rejecting someone’s perception of reality and questioning their judgement makes them drop their claim and move on from the argument.
Love Bombing
Love bombing is a manipulative tactic in which someone uses excessive affection and attention to overwhelm, suppress, and control another person. They pay their partner excessive compliments, incessantly declare their love, want to move quickly into a commitment, shower them with gifts or lavish treatments, promise a perfect life together, demand undivided attention, etc.
If it feels too good to be true, that’s probably an indication that something is wrong, especially if they cast off and reject your family and friends. They do these to isolate you from your support network. As soon as they achieve that, they turn the love bombing into emotional abuse and coercive control. Love bombing is often followed by ridiculous demands and gaslighting.
Hoovering
Hoovering takes place when someone attempts to win a person back. This is comparable to the love bombing in that the abuser employs similar tactics, such as showering a person with compliments and praise. However, this time, it is to win someone back after a breakup or conflict.
In these cases, they feel they might be losing control over another or want to regain this person’s control. Examples include sending texts or messages, liking a post on social media, or sending a person a random gift. In turn, the person is sucked back into the former abusive relationship.
Projection
Sometimes, people who cannot handle their negative feelings or acknowledge their destructive behaviours project them onto others. The recipient of their projection is usually accused of doing the same things. For example, a narcissist who is projecting may believe that someone else is angry when, in reality, they are the ones who are furious but are uncomfortable with this feeling. This may also be evident in romantic relationships in the form of accusing a partner of cheating when, in fact, they are the ones being unfaithful.
Triangulation
Triangulation occurs when a person tries to bring a third person into a conflict to create confusion or change the weighing or nature of an argument. This is common in the workplace when a boss or coworker brings a third party into a disagreement, knowing they take their side or create chaos and deflect attention from their own actions.
Triangulation is the most insidious tactic employed by narcissists in their manipulation and control of others. This manipulation technique is designed to create tension, competition and insecurity among individuals, often leaving victims feeling baffled, isolated and powerless.
Playing the Victim
A narcissist will often play the victim after engaging in harmful or vengeful behaviours, turning any sympathy and attention onto themselves. They do it by saying that they were the ones who were hurt or manipulated and not the victims.
They may even go further and blame the victim for the incident. Due to dramatic role-playing, projection and cognitive distortions, they can be pretty convincing and often confuse others about the truth.
Revenge Seeking
Some people, when feeling offended, they go into revenge-seeking mode. This may be done as a smear campaign, but it can also occur in several other ways. The abuser may seek revenge in the workplace if someone turns them down for friendship or criticise them. The abuser may then purposefully turn in projects late or avoid completing essential tasks to make the other person’s job more difficult.
Smear Campaign
A smear campaign occurs when a narcissist creates a web of lies or exaggerations to Tarnish their victim’s reputation or discredit and isolate them. For instance, ex-partners may spread rumours about them within close-knit social circles. This person then notices that their support is slowly turning away, reducing their engagement.
The result leaves the victim with limited support, as their family and friends may believe the lies. Therefore, when they try to report the abuse, their friends and family may not show empathy as they see the person guilty, not the abuser.
Guilt Tripping
Guilt-tripping happens when someone tries to get you to do something because they make you feel sympathy for them; they are guilt-tripping you. This behaviour can be difficult to recognise, especially if you do not know the person well or have not been exposed to this form of manipulation before. However, narcissists often use this tactic to convince others to do something for them or give up a claim in a particular situation.
Dealing with Manipulative Tactics
The everyday interpersonal and conversational strategies you've learned will not work with people with DT personality. You need very different methods for this specific type of people. People respond differently to their manipulative tactics but below are some recommended ways to help you deal with people with DT personalities.
Recognise The Pattern of Manipulations
The first step in addressing the manipulative tactics is recognising that someone is dishonest and distorting your perception of reality. It’s also important to know that power imbalances, inequalities and relationship dynamics often drive manipulative tactics. Abusers usually exploit these points to distort their victims’ perception of reality. Phrases like “you’re imagining things” or “that never happened” are common red flags. Recognising early signs is essential to oppose emotional manipulations.
You might notice that this person constantly dismisses your feelings as overreactions or accuses you of being too sensitive. Pay careful attention to how often you question your own perceptions after conversations with them and how frequently you feel unsettled. While honest and genuine relationships may also involve moments of harsh or unsettling conversation, a manipulative relationship affects clarity and confidence. Recognising the patterns of your emotions is crucial for maintaining healthy and authentic relationships. When you repeatedly face gaslighting, you might internalise it, causing unfounded self-doubt. Awareness is your first line of defence in reclaiming your independence and sanity.
Believe in Your Own Reality
Staying grounded when faced with psychological manipulations is crucial but challenging. Abusers rely on distorting facts, but when you validate your own experiences, you strip them of their power. Believing in yourself is essential for reclaiming your stability and confidence. Here are some helpful guidelines:
Document the interactions. Keep a journal of your conversations and events. This will highlight discrepancies between your memory and their manipulation. When you suspect them of trying to change the truth, constantly check your version of events.
Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, trust yourself. Your intuition can be a guide through the fog. Believe in your senses, instincts and intuition to correct your perception.
Educate yourself on how psychological manipulations play out in your relationships. Knowledge helps you spot manipulation much faster.
Practice self-care. Prioritise activities that reinforce your sense of self and reality. Do what keeps you free from self-sabotaging.
Establish and Maintain Clear Boundaries
Abuse thrives when boundaries are blurred or broken, allowing the abuser to overstep your personal boundaries without facing consequences. A 2005 study found that social exclusions activate similar neural mechanisms as physical pain. That’s probably one of the reasons people avoid rejecting negative people and remain their victims.
Because of their strong stance, manipulators often assume a position of authority in relationships. We may thoughtlessly seek their approval just to feel included, but this can compromise our independence and autonomy.
Assertive communication protects our well-being and shows we do not accept manipulation in our relationships. By establishing boundaries, you safeguard yourself and reinforce your autonomy and independence.
Limit or End your Contact
You might have to consider limiting or cutting contact with manipulative people. If their presence in your life becomes too toxic, leave the relationship. Limiting contact may mean setting boundaries about communication or removing yourself from the situation altogether. Put your mental health first.
Seek Help from a Support System
People with DT personality often try to isolate you, making sure no one else sees their behaviour. This is why seeking help from trusted friends or professionals is crucial. Talking to someone (in private) outside your relationship can help you consider whether your perceptions are accurate.
A good friend, therapist or counsellor can provide an unbiased view and teach you practical tools to deal with the abuse. Others' opinions, support, and validation reassure you that you are not crazy. You’re simply trying to disentangle yourself from someone’s toxic behaviour.
Consider Your Future
While we all need a sense of belonging, it's essential to keep checking what lifts you up and what pulls you down. A 2019 study highlights the fact that people naturally form attachments and experience resistance to ending them. At some point, you might need to ask yourself if your relationship is worth maintaining. Long-term exposure to people with DT personality can erode your self-esteem, leading to heightened anxiety and mental health problems.
Leaving a relationship is never easy, but your well-being should always be the priority. Removing yourself from toxic relationships significantly improves your mental and emotional health, reduces stress, and allows you to regain confidence and flourish. People with DT personalities are emotionally draining, but with the right strategies, you can reclaim your life and protect your mental health.
Recognise the manipulation, ground yourself in facts, and set firm boundaries. Seek external support and validation to keep your sense of reality intact. Trust yourself. Your emotional well-being is worth preserving over everything else.
References
Five Ways to Handle a Friend Who Gaslights You, by Mark Travers, Ph.D. – Psychology Today, October 15, 2024.
Nine Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics and How to Deal with Them, by Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS, Medical Reviewer: Kristen Fuller, MD – Choosing Therapy, November 10, 2022.
