Conversational Receptiveness
Disagreeing Gracefully
In our increasingly polarised society, some engage in heated debates, risking hostility, hatred, and rejection, while others self-censor and remain repressed, crushed and stifled to avoid conflict. Research suggests that division hurts our relationships, sparks violence motivated by prejudices, and even undermines our democracy.
A better way, called conversational receptiveness, is about gracefully facing disagreements and conflicts and communicating more effectively. Conversational receptiveness happens when we use language and nonverbal cues that show others we are sincerely willing to engage with their perspective.
Research has found that if our language shows that we're open to other’s perspectives, they are more likely to be open to ours. Conversational receptiveness stems from open-mindedness (being receptive to new ideas, even if they conflict with ours), perspective-taking (trying to understand a situation from another person's point of view), and intellectual humility (recognising the limits of our knowledge and being open to revising our beliefs).
Interestingly, conversational receptiveness is contagious. Using it during tense conversations often softens the words of our challenger. In other words, when one party uses it in a debate, it affects everyone engaged in the discussion, creating a ripple effect of better communication. Psychologists have long known that emotions are contagious and that people mimic each other’s language. For example, if we’re friendly, positive, and warm, our counterpart will be more positive, and if we’re antagonistic and hostile, our interlocutor will be more negative and unfriendly.
One way we might improve the quality of our conversations is to use a more pleasant tone. If we’re warm and friendly, it is harder for our opponent to be a jerk. After all, they’re fighting against the tendency that people naturally mimic each other and that conversational receptiveness and emotions are contagious. Hence, conversational receptiveness gives us more influence (agency) because it increases the chance that the other person will be more receptive to us. Julia Minson (an Associate Professor of Public Policy at the Harvard Kennedy School of Government) suggests the acronym HEAR to help us adopt a more receptive language.
H stands for hedging, as in hedging (toning down or softening) our claims with words like sometimes, maybe, perhaps, some people, etc. In this way, we don’t change our message but state it with less rigidity, impact or firmness. So, people are less tempted to counter-argue.
E stands for emphasising agreement, such as “We both want to,” “I also think,” or “I agree with some of what you’re saying.” It doesn’t mean that we’re compromising or changing our view; it’s just recognising that most disagreements are multidimensional, so there are some things we can agree on.
A is for acknowledgement. It’s about affirming our counterpart’s perspective so they know we heard them (understand and respect them). Of course, there are right and wrong ways to acknowledge people. For example, saying, “I hear you, but a few points trouble me.” This way, we say we heard the person but don’t acknowledge their concern. We can show our thoughtfulness by saying, “I hear that this topic is really important to you because you feel if we don’t address it, bad things will happen.” Here, we show that we heard them and understood and respected their concern (acknowledging their concern), and then we can move on to making our point. The most important signal of receptiveness involves acknowledging our counterpart’s point of view: “I understand you’re saying . . .” or “I think you mentioned . . .”. These actively show that we heard what the other person said.
R stands for reframing (stating our point in a more positive language), which is about eliminating or avoiding some negation words, such as no, don’t, can’t and won’t, where possible, and adding positive emotional words. For example, instead of saying, “I could never agree to something that wastes resources with no known benefits”, say, “I look forward to assessing the benefits of your suggestions.”
Research has shown that those who express conversational receptiveness are more persuasive than people who use their natural conversational style, which may tend to be more argumentative and dogmatic. A softer approach paradoxically makes people more willing to support us. In addition, people who express conversational receptiveness are viewed as having better judgment, making their opponents more willing to engage with them in the future.
Bridging Differences
Building bridges between people from different social backgrounds becomes increasingly crucial as our society becomes more diverse. One way we can achieve this goal is to talk to each other with respect and receptiveness instead of using contemptuous, scornful and mocking language.
We can disagree without dehumanising each other. Instead, we can promote empathy and understanding, find common ground, and identify shared goals and values. Bridging is neither about persuading nor a sneaky way to convert people to our ways. It is about trying to better understand someone else’s perspective. Here are some skills which can help us foster understanding, ease stress and create a stronger sense of connection with our loved ones, friends, colleagues and community:
See the person, not the label. When we learn personal details about others beyond their political, ethnic, nationality or religious labels, we view them more favourably and warmly. Focusing on individual qualities and characteristics makes us feel less threatened by people who might seem “not like us.” We may disagree with another person, sometimes profoundly. But the key is that we shouldn’t dehumanise them. We should never reduce them to a caricature or see them as less worthy of health and happiness than we are. Without that essential recognition of our shared humanity, constructive dialogue or problem-solving is unlikely to happen.
Expand your views and circles. Forming friendships with people who don’t look, think or behave like us is good for our health and well-being. The first step is seeking information that can challenge our stereotypes and assumptions about other groups, such as visiting places or media that expose us to new people and ideas. It would help to start by accepting that we don’t have all the answers or a monopoly on the truth (intellectual humility). This is especially important because bridging often involves contact between people from different cultures or communities. We probably won’t get far in our bridge-building efforts if we presume that only our story is right and our tradition is superior to all other traditions.
Find shared identities. Focusing on crucial identities we share can help us better connect with people who don’t share our views. For example, we are all committed to democracy, freedom, fairness, community and belonging. We must also cultivate the right mindsets to build our capacity for positive interactions with others. Bridging often involves taking risks and exposing our vulnerabilities. When we hear someone else’s views, we may risk being changed or influenced by them.
Identify common goals. Despite our differences, we’re more willing and able to put those differences aside when we identify a shared goal that we need to work together to achieve. Focusing on common goals can shift our perceptions of each other from adversaries to collaborators and make connecting and relying on each other with empathy and respect easier, even if we see the world differently from you.
Practice perspective-taking. Understanding a situation from another person's point of view can help us appreciate where others are coming from while holding our views. When it is difficult to relate to someone’s viewpoint, ask yourself, “What experiences might have shaped their views?” Considering this question, you can broaden your perspective even if you don’t engage directly with the other person.
Listen with compassion. If we want others to understand us, we should start by listening more closely to them. When we listen, we are perceived as more trustworthy, encouraging our challengers to be more open-minded, less defensive and less focused on their self-interests.
To gain the highest benefit from receptiveness, we must ask, what’s our goal? Is it to give the other person a fair chance to express themselves in dignity? Is it to repair the relationship? Is it to avoid a conflict? Is it to learn about them? Nonetheless, it’s essential to know our goals.
We could have a better world if we had the courage to communicate directly with people we strongly disagree with on important issues and were more receptive to conversational communication.
Chances are that we're less receptive than we may think, which means we're not reaping the full benefits that receptiveness could bring to our lives. Since disagreement is inevitable, we have many opportunities to improve. Learning conversational receptiveness requires ongoing effort and commitment to using it repeatedly and noticing its effects. Next time you approach a difficult conversation, try receptiveness.
References
Several papers by Dr Julia Minson, an Associate Professor of Public Policy at the Harvard Kennedy School of Government. She specialises in the psychology of disagreement and studies conflict management, negotiations, judgment, and decision-making.
In addition, Julia Minson, Michael Yeomans (of Imperial College London), Hanne Collins and Francesca Gino (of Harvard Business School), and Frances Chen (of the University of British Columbia) have published several papers about conversational receptiveness in the journal Organizational Behaviour and Human Decision Processes.
Bridging Differences PlayBook: Learn research-based strategies to promote positive dialogue and understanding. The Bridging Differences program at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Centre.
