Self-Confidence and Assertiveness
What is Assertiveness?
To be assertive is to firmly state an opinion, claim a right or establish our authority with resolute determination and strength of character. When we assert ourselves, we behave in a way that expresses our confidence, importance or autonomy and earns us respect from others.
Assertiveness is about standing up for our rights. It’s expressing our opinions, needs and feelings without ignoring or disrespecting the opinions, needs and feelings of others.
To be assertive, we need to see ourselves as being of worth and as having a right to enjoy life. At the same time, we should value others equally, respecting their rights.
Being assertive allows us to engage respectfully with others while respecting our needs. It ensures that we are treated fairly and are not taken advantage of.
Aggressive people attack or ignore others' opinions in favour of their own.
Assertive people state their opinions while still being respectful of others.
Passive or submissive people don't state their views at all.
Assertiveness is about
being clear about what we feel, what we need, and how it can be achieved,
being confident and having open body language,
being able to communicate calmly and respectfully,
saying "yes" when we want to, and saying "no" when we mean "no" (rather than agreeing to do something to please someone else),
deciding on and sticking to clear boundaries and being happy to defend our position, even if it provokes disagreement,
being confident about handling conflict if it occurs,
understanding and learning how to negotiate if two people want different outcomes,
being able to talk openly about ourselves and listening to others,
being able to give and receive positive and negative feedback,
having a positive, optimistic outlook.
How to Improve Our Assertiveness
Assertive communication isn't just what we say; how you say it helps you be assertive.
Use appropriate body language (an upright, open posture).
Be honest with ourselves about our feelings.
Keep calm and stick to the point.
Be clear, specific and direct.
If we meet objections, we should listen to the other person's point of view while ensuring our message is clear.
We should offer alternative solutions if we can (if possible).
We should ask if we are unsure about something.
If the other person tries to create a diversion, we should point this out calmly and repeat our message clearly.
We should always respect the other person's rights and points of view.
We should own our messages by using "I" - for example, "I don't agree with you" rather than "you're wrong".
We should remember we have the right to make mistakes, as does everyone else.
Benefits of Being Assertive
Being assertive improves our self-esteem, earns us respect from others, and positively influences those around us. Assertiveness helps us:
maintain a positive attitude and an optimistic outlook,
see ourselves as competent, in control of our lives and able to do what we want,
say "yes" only when we want to, rather than agreeing to please someone else,
decide on and stick to clear boundaries while confidently defending our position,
talk openly and be able to listen to others,
give and receive positive and negative feedback or criticism,
handle disagreements and disputes constructively,
live purposefully by setting reasonable goals and striving to achieve them.
Build Assertiveness
Every time we agree with the following statements, we build our assertiveness.
I speak up and share my views if I disagree with others' opinions.
I can turn down requests that seem unreasonable or unfair.
I speak confidently about things that matter a lot to me.
I am honest and direct about my thoughts and feelings.
I am confident about my opinions and decisions.
I can accept positive criticism and suggestions.
I consider my needs as important as others.
I directly address things that bother me.
I ask for help when I need it.
I can accept that others may have better ideas or solutions to a problem.
