Emotional Blackmail

The Pathway to Abuse and Violence

Note: In this blog, I use the word “partner” and the pronouns “they” and “them” when I refer to an emotional blackmailer. Please note that emotional blackmailers can be male or female. They are not always partners; they could easily be parents, children, siblings, friends or colleagues.

This article is based on the book Emotional Blackmail by Dr Susan Forward & Donna Frazier.

The word blackmail sounds scary and sinister. But it’s usually distant, in the news or movies. A criminal blackmailer might threaten to use their knowledge about a person's past to ruin their reputation or ask to be paid in cash to hide a secret.

On the other hand, emotional blackmail (domestic abuse, domestic violence or gaslighting), although manipulative and deceptive, is usually very close. Because unfortunately, it is a partner, a parent, one of our children, a sibling, a friend or a colleague who turns out to be the emotional blackmailer. They know our weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and secrets intimately and mercilessly use them to get what they want.

Does someone close to you (implicitly or explicitly) regularly threaten to make your life difficult if you don’t do what they want, tell you that they will end the relationship if you don’t accept what they propose, suggest or imply that they are going to hurt themselves, become depressed or sick if you don’t give them what they want, ignore or discount your feelings, needs or wants, make lavish promises that are conditional to your obedient, but rarely keep their promises, label you as selfish, nasty, greedy, unfaithful or uncaring when you don’t give in to their demands?

There should be a pattern of give and take, balance, and fairness in any relationship. Nonetheless, we must be flexible occasionally and give in to our partners on some issues. There is nothing that says compliance is always horrible. Sometimes, we give in, which doesn't mean we’re weak or abused. Most of us often have to bend a little and make compromises. However, falling into a pattern of giving in almost all the time, particularly on issues that are against our wishes, needs and values, is demeaning and dangerous. Social influencing techniques become emotional blackmail when they are used repeatedly to coerce us into complying at the expense of our own feelings, wishes, well-being and dignity.

In a genuinely loving, caring, and respectful relationship, disagreements are resolved within a win-win framework. The couple talk openly about the conflict. They find out about each other’s feelings and concerns. They try to understand why the other person resists the suggestion. They respect the rights of the other person to disagree. They accept responsibility for their own part of the conflict. They each want the other to be happy and are willing to compromise.

In contrast, in an abusive relationship with a win-lose framework, the offending partner tries to control the other person. They ignore the other person’s feelings and concerns. They insist that their reason or cause is more important. They discount the rights of the other person. They refuse to take any responsibility for their share of the problems. They only consider their own happiness and are unwilling to cooperate.

Types of Emotional Blackmail

Dr Susan Forward and her colleague Donna Frazier put blackmailers into four different categories (descriptions in the brackets are my terms):

Punishers (overt punishers). For example, if you return to work, I’ll leave you. If you marry her, I’ll cut you out of my will. If you try to divorce me, you’ll never see your kids again.

Self-punishers (covert-punishers). Note that a self-punishing blackmail strategy is different from “self-harm” as a mental health problem. For example, if you don’t do that, I’ll hurt or kill myself. Do not argue with me, or I’ll get depressed and stop eating. Do what I want, or I quit my job.

Sufferers (sulking blamers – stonewallers). For example, if you don’t do what I want, I will suffer (and it will be your fault). If you really love me, you should be able to figure out what’s bothering me. Guess what you did to me? I'm upset, depressed and sick.

Tantalisers (carrot danglers). For example, unless you do what I want, I don’t do what I promised you to do. I’ll do this if you do . . . (but the promise never materialises). I will help you if you . . .

The FOG of Emotional Blackmail

Dr Forward and her colleague aptly used the acronym FOG for the abusive strategies that emotional blackmailers use to control their victims. F stands for Fear, O for Obligation and G for Guilt.

• Fear: Emotional blackmailers are often very close to us, so they soon discover our fears and use them to get what they want. If you don’t do what I want, I will leave you, stop loving you, fire you, reveal your secret, shout and yell and make you miserable.

• Obligation: Emotional Blackmailers never hesitate to put our sense of obligation (responsibility) to the test. A good daughter should spend time with her mother. I work hard for this family and expect you to do your share, too. Everyone honours and obeys their father (husband, wife, boss, etc.). I stood by you when . . . , now all I’m asking is to . . .

• Guilt is an essential part of being responsible. However, blackmailers can exploit this sensitivity to make us question the impact of our actions on their lives. They usually directly or indirectly blame us for their misery. I'm in a lousy mood (and it’s all your fault). I have a terrible cold (and it’s all your fault). I drink too much (but it’s all your fault). I had a bad day at work (and it’s all your fault).

Blackmailers’ Techniques

Blackmailers can skillfully mask the pressure they apply. Sometimes, we experience it in ways that make us question our sanity. We may feel confused, disoriented and guilty. Emotional blackmail erodes our soul, violates our dignity, rubs our freedom and makes us sick both physically and mentally.

Blackmailers try to make us feel silly, crazy or sinful (also called Gaslighting). They may use unsuitable comparisons or bring quotes from a holy book or a philosopher. They try to portray themselves as loving, caring and open-minded. They present what they want as best while emphasising that they are entitled to it anyway. Their version of reality is always the only reality. They use labels that imply we are confused, stupid and even mentally sick (what’s wrong with you?).

When their attempt is not effective, they bring reinforcement. They call family members, friends or others to prove they are right.

Why Emotional Blackmail?

Blackmailers hate to lose. To them, love, trust, respect and fairness don’t matter; what’s important to them is to come first, to get what they want, to win. Emotional blackmail is the only way they know to cope with what life throws at them. They don’t have what it takes to get what they want or need. They’ve never developed the confidence and ability to handle the ups and downs of their lives. Their own insecurities and needs so absorb them that they cannot think of others. They cannot show any empathy whatsoever. In their self-centred world, all is about them. In short, they are self-centred (narcissistic) parasites.

Note: People who suffer from Borderline or Narcissistic personality disorder are more likely to use emotional blackmail.

It Takes Two

Blackmail is a duet, not a solo performance. It cannot work without the target’s active participation. I'm not suggesting that the victim provoked or caused the emotional blackmail. I'm just trying to show that, to break the cycle of blackmail, we first need to turn our attention inward.

Emotional blackmailers take their cues from our responses to their testing. They learn from what we do and what we don’t do. When faced with a blackmailer’s pressure, what do you do? Apologise, reason, cry, plead, change your plans, or give in? Do you have difficulty standing up for yourself, setting limits (interpersonal boundaries) or letting them know that their behaviour is unacceptable? Remember, it always starts with the little things!

It may seem we’re just trying to be good when we accept their demands. We may think we must comply, leading to an automatic response. What’s really going on? Why do some people, no matter how smart they are, seem to be so vulnerable to blackmail?

The answer lies in our Hot Buttons. Our hot buttons are bundles of sensitive nerves, stored-up fears, guilt and insecurities that we may not even be fully aware of. However, our first reaction is to avoid activating them at all costs, which means automatic compliance to keep the hot buttons dormant.

• Do you feel that you have a strong need for approval (being an approval junkie)?

• Do you have a deep fear of anger or a severe need for peace at any price (being a sensitive pacifist or lacking an assertive attitude)?

• Do you tend to take too much responsibility (being a blame taker – having an excessive sense of obligation and guilt)?

• Do you have high self-doubt (or being highly self-conscious)?

  These may be the roots of your hot buttons that a blackmailer can exploit.

The Cycle of Emotional Blackmail

Demand: Emotional blackmail usually starts with a demand. Sometimes, it doesn't sound like a demand at all. And sometimes, blackmailers don’t verbalise what they want.

Resistance: Blackmailers would be happy if there was no resistance and they got what they wanted. Their blackmailing strategies kick in only when we tell them, no, they can’t have what they want.

Pressure & Threats: Blackmailers do not try to understand our feelings, rights, and needs; their own neediness blinds them. So, they start reminding us of the consequences of our resistance (e.g. I’ll be angry, I’ll leave you, I’ll kill myself, I’ll be sick, depressed, etc.).

Compliance: we don’t want to make them angry, lose them or see them hurt. So, we give in to what they want.

Repetition: Our compliance makes them happy, and they remove the pressure for now. But we've confirmed our vulnerability and shown them their strategy is effective. So, next time they want something and we resist giving it to them, they will use the same technique, this time even harsher, if necessary.

Breaking the Cycle and Stopping Emotional Blackmail

Emotional abuse comes in many forms. But remember, whatever the abuse, You CAN stop it. Please note that these guidelines are mainly suitable for people in a relationship with room for a choice and hope for reconciliation.

If you want to deal with emotional blackmail effectively, you need to show different responses. Therefore, you must learn Assertiveness, Emotional Regulation, and Effective Communication Skills. Feeling comfortable and confident about your new and more assertive response to your partner takes time and effort, but don’t be disappointed. The secret is action and persistence; you don’t need to wait until your fears and weaknesses are totally conquered. Feel the fear and do it anyway (Susan Jeffers). Dr Forward suggests starting with a contract, a power statement and self-affirming phrases.

The Contract

I . . . . . . . . . recognise myself as an adult with options and choices, and I commit myself to the process of actively getting emotional blackmail out of my relationships and out of my life. To reach that goal, I make the following promises.

I promise I will no longer let fear, obligation and guilt control my decisions.

I promise I will learn the necessary skills and strategies and put them into practice in my life.

I promise that if I regress or fall into old patterns, I will not use those slips as excuses to stop trying. Instead, I will use my lapses to learn and hone my strategies.

I promise to take good care of myself during this process and acknowledge and encourage myself to take positive steps, no matter how small they are.

Power Statement

A power statement is a short sentence that can help you remain strong, grounded and determined when the blackmailer turns up the pressure. Dr. Forward suggests the power statement, “I can stand it.”

Susan Jeffers (an American psychologist and author) has another nice one; “no matter what happens, I can handle it”.

These short sentences are potent tools for challenging our doubts and limiting beliefs (i.e. cannot sentences) and resisting emotional blackmail.

Example of Self-affirming Phrases

• Instead of saying, “Giving in is no big deal”, say, “I hold my ground because my integrity and values are important”.

• Instead of saying, “Surrender is okay if it keeps them quiet”, say, “I'm not going to live my life by their rules; I know what I want, and I’ll be kind to myself as well as to him”.

• Instead of saying, “I feel confused and cannot stand up for myself”, say, “I have the right to think differently, and I can be strong and assertive without resentment”.

Realise that you cannot change the other person, only your reaction to them. The abusiveness in your partner is rooted in multiple layers of their own insecurities. Put your welfare, health and safety first. Your energy is most effective when you change yourself. Remember, abuse is NOT your fault. Despite your weaknesses, you deserve to be treated with respect.

Develop emotional intelligence and learn self-regulation. Also, develop self-esteem and learn assertiveness. Act on minor issues to build confidence and skill, then move to the most significant problems.

Set new, reasonable terms and boundaries for the relationship. Clearly establish that you won't accept less than a safe and respectful relationship. An abusive relationship usually starts with small episodes of disrespect and minor breaches of personal boundaries, often because they are unclear or poorly defined. It's up to you to set clear, reasonable boundaries for a respectable relationship and consistently stick to them.

Let your partner know that you forgive and forget his disrespect in the past, but that period has ended. From now on, all interactions should be respectful and exclude name-calling, character attacks, raised voices, throwing objects, etc.

Instead of answering (complying) automatically (straight away), buy yourself some time to think and prepare an appropriate response. For example, I don’t have an answer for you right now. I need some time to think. I'm not sure how I feel about what you’re asking. Let’s discuss this a little later. This simple technique gradually shifts the balance of the relationship.

Become an objective observer; question your feelings, thoughts, and your partner's. Also, analyse the demand and the consequences of your impending response. Keep observing and asking until you can make a sensible connection between your beliefs, behaviours and feelings. You can then make a better decision. Don’t look at the situation as a contest (win-lose).

Use non-defensive communication. Blackmailers get what they want by yelling, threatening, sulking, playing the victim and blaming. Defensive reactions are pretty common. For example, I'm not selfish. How can you say that about me?

How about the time when I . . . These are defensive. They can escalate the emotional intensity of the situation and lead to arguments and resentment. How about saying I'm sorry you’re upset? I can understand how you might see it that way. Really? That’s interesting. Let’s talk about it when you feel calmer.

Stay calm, do not argue, do not explain, and do not defend. In the same way, employ participatory conversation. It’s often helpful to shift the conversation by involving the blackmailer in your problem-solving process. Can you help me understand why this is so important to you? Could you suggest something we can do to make our relationship better? I wonder if you can help me find a way to . . .

I wonder how we can make this work for both of us.

You can also use the bartering technique, which involves giving up something to get another of almost equal value. How about going to the park this afternoon and watching your favourite movie in the evening?

Always stay polite and, where possible, use kindness and humour. In any relationship, politeness, kindness and good humour are essential to conversation. If you realise that these are missing, the relationship is already strained. A sarcastic remark may sound funny, but that’s not humour.

Ask for professional support (counselling, coaching or therapy). Find a relationship coach or a mental health professional who can help you. If your partner is willing to work on their behaviours and wants to change, a no-blame approach in counselling might be a good idea.

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Know when to leave an abusive partner and make a plan to do it safely. Sometimes, relationships are just wrong and cannot be saved. For your safety and mental health, try hard to recognise whether the relationship is worth working on as early as possible.

• If you’re afraid for your immediate safety in the UK, call the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Free-phone Helpline at 0808 2000 247.

• Domestic AbuseAlliance, for free legal advice and protection. Tel: 0800 1010 7110 Visit: www.domestic-abuse.co.uk

• Samaritans (24/7 service). Tel: 116 123

• The USA has a 24/7 support line, and trained advocates take your calls (1-800-799-SAFE-7233).

• In other countries, you can refer to the local telephone directory or ask a trusted friend for the correct number.

Invent a code word or a sign so family, friends and co-workers know when to call for help.

Do not tell your abusive partner that you plan to leave. When you decide to go, just do it. Don't talk about it or threaten to do it. Just get your keys, purse, etc. and go.

Talk to someone you can trust and plan a safe place to go. Avoid those who are close to your partner. They may not understand why you have to leave.

Don't wait until you definitely make up your mind; locate your essential papers, spare keys, bank information, and any other items you do not want to leave behind.

Keep money and your phone with you at all times. Once you are away, do not respond to texts or phone calls from your partner (now your ex).

Refuse to discuss your reasons, plans, current situation, etc., with anyone who may contact your ex. Finally, remember that no matter what happens, you can handle it (Susan Jeffers).

You Can Handle...Fear.

You Can Handle...Frustration.

You Can Handle...Pain.

You Can Handle...Sadness.

You Can Handle...Big Losses.

You Can Handle...Anger.

You Can Handle...Embarrassment.

You Can Handle...Responsibility.

You Can Handle...Guilt.

Reference

Emotional Blackmail (book) by Dr Susan Forward & Donna Frazier